Emotionally Competent Children: A lesson for soon-to-be parents

Children learn basic emotional skills from relatives, neighbors, and peers, but by far the most important role in a child's emotional development is that of his parents. Parents have the unique role of providing guidance and instruction to facilitate healthy emotional development in their children from the time they are born. Thus, parents should be proactive in coaching their children to appropriately handle a wide variety of feelings and emotions. Moreover, parents should lead by example, modeling emotionally healthy interactions between each other and with their children on an ongoing basis, particularly when family conflict arises (Gottman & Declaire, 15-16).

Research has shown support for a five-step process to effectively instill emotional intelligence in children. Gottman & Declaire (1998) state that the following five-step approach should be applied at the time an emotional challenge arises:

Identify and recognize the child's emotion.

In order to raise an emotionally competent child, it is necessary to become aware of the child's emotions in the first place. It is only upon your identifying the emotion of your child, that you can help him to respond accordingly. This entails being in tune...

Approach the emotional situation as a teaching and bonding opportunity.
It is important to truly get to know your child and develop intimacy, if she is going to be receptive to your parental coaching. Rather than argue or ignore what may appear to be irrational emotions on the part of your child, take the time to develop meaningful connection with her. Viewing the situation as a teaching moment will lessen your own anxiety about the situation, and will allow you to break down the problem.

3. Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings.

A parent's validation of what the child is feeling helps the child to accept his own feelings, which is a necessary precursor to resolving the feeling. When people, particularly children, feel that their emotions are being understood and accepted, the feelings lose their power and begin to subside. This validation of the child's emotions is not synonymous with endorsing those emotions. Validation is merely acknowledging the existence of his emotions in order to move forward. It also means resisting the urge to simply erase unpleasant emotions.

4. Help the child to verbally articulate the emotion she is feeling.

When a child talks…